I should be doing other things this morning in the few minutes of time I have.  But this post has to be written. 

In the last few weeks I have received a large number of comments from people on how much they love my blog.  They smile as they recognize the joy my family experiences and I hear comments like, “I don’t know how you do it,” and “You are amazing,” and “Your kid have the best life.”  Really.  I hear these things.  I always point out that for the most part I only blog the highlights.  I only confess to a rough day or a crying spell every so often, and the miscarriage posts were clearly specific.  Yes, my family does a lot of fun things.  But our life is not perfect.  In fact, I feel very much like it is spinning out of control at times.

To illustrate, I am going to look back at the last week and look ahead to this next week.  If you are still standing at the end of the post, YOU, my friend, are amazing!

Last Monday – After we did some morning school, we were blessed to have a play date with new friends and I caught up with the mom (who I have known) for the first time in a year.  After they left I tried to do a little house work and start dinner before my mom came over at 3:30PM.  My mom has summer hours and I practically tagged her as Nigel and I left the house to go get his annual birthday-time photos at JCP.  (I had only gotten Johanna’s, 5 weeks late, the night before.)  I ran him to Kmart after his photos.  Home for late dinner, clean up kitchen, and call it a day.

Tuesday –  Another morning I attempted school with Tabitha and the kids did a bit on their own.  After that I tried to fit in a week’s worth of house cleaning while the kids bickered, disobeyed, and tried to manipulate one another to the point that they lost the privilege of going to Darien Lake Wednesday as planned.  There were tears and sad hearts that I had to leave at 2PM when I left for work.  It was an ugly day.

Wednesday – seemed like a good day – I even posted about it.  Still – it was BUSY.  We picked berries in the AM (watch for more on this in a few minutes).  Kids played all day long, nicely, as I tried to chip away at the work in the house.  What work do you ask?  The stuff that is threatening to swallow me at times.  The dining room project still unfinished and going on week 6.  The stuff piled into the pantry that needs to be rehung around the house from other paint projects.  The two bags of clothes given to us for the girls that have been sitting for four weeks.  The laundry room that is impenetrable.  STUFF.  And that doesn’t begin to address paper work that needs to be done.  Oh – and I had to run out after dinner to find something for my daughter’s birthday Friday.  Yes – somehow birthdays sneak up on me.  I am not proud of it.  And I don’t want to spend money just to spend money.  But I want her to open something.

Thursday – the good day yesterday made me jump to go to Darien Lake today.  Forecast was good.  No weird concerts.  It was fun for the most part.  But still – BUSY. 

Friday – was a mess.  Should I tell you how I shaved off part of my finger making apple pies for Marie’s birthday?  How we had a field trip at 1PM.  How I didn’t have the right cheese for the macaroni and cheese that my daughter requested for her birthday.  How I didn’t have enough evaporated milk to triple the recipe and servings were slim.  How I didn’t have wrapping paper for her gifts.  How I FORGOT TO PLUG IN THE CROCKPOT and dinner was a sloppy mess that I tried to bake in the oven.  How I cried my heart out in the kitchen and my son asked if another baby died in my tummy.  How I can’t even walk thru the pantry to get to silverware.  How we couldn’t find Johanna’s bathing suit anywhere and then found it in a toy car in the yard and we NEVER STOPPED MOVING ALL DAY.  How at 8PM I sat down for the first time all day and was at the computer to post about Darien Lake and forgot to put the kids to bed.  And how I cried myself to sleep.

Saturday was a fun day – Civil War reenactment.  Bet you know how much work I addressed at home that day.  (Zero.)

Why am I so upset about the house not getting attended to?  Well – it has been at least two months since I mopped the kitchen floor.  I am not making that up.  I haven’t cleaned my shower in probably 9 months.  Really.  I won’t go on.  You’d be afraid to come over.

Sunday – Sunday was supposed to be make cookies for friend’s brother/son’s funeral, make Marie’s party cake, and make jam from our berries.  I didn’t have quite that much to do as our berries from Wednesday had gotten moldy.  Had to toss them all.  Yes.  That is my life.  See I couldn’t make them before now because I had no sugar – and no time anyway.  I did manage a nap and some laundry room clean up Sunday.

This week – I’ll be briefer. 

Monday – kids have VBS all week.  Stewart is a helper.  It is his responsibility, of course, but as he is still 11, I feel some sense to help him prepare, etc.  We are having an impromptu birthday party for Marie – and I forgot – yes FORGOT – some little girls I should have invited.  Yes – I did.     Marie wants games and maybe I will have some time today to find one or two.  She wanted a sack race.  Will pillowcases work?  I had to spend $10 and BUY a pinata because I had no time to make one.  What a waste. 

Tuesday – VBS and I have to work.  My mom has to watch the kids because none of my sitters were available.  That stresses me out a little.

Wednesday – I am making 20 lbs. of pulled pork to feel 30-some missionaries in Palmyra on Thursday.  This will take time.  I also need to make cole slaw.  It will take two hours for me to pull this meat. 

Thursday – VBS – deliver meal – kids dinner and concert at VBS.

Friday – if I make it to Friday I will go to garage sales in the morning and have a friend come over at lunch time to help plan a baby shower for another friend. 

Do you feel stressed reading this, or is it just me?

I also have to have the kids’ In-Home Instruction Plans submitted to the school district by August 1st.  For four kids.  I HAVEN’T EVEN ORDERED THEIR BOOKS YET FOR NEXT YEAR.  I have NO IDEA what we are doing for science even!  I have to write out Nigel’s curriculum as he is in a gap year for the program we use.  When?  When?

I am sure some readers will shake their heads.  And they will be right to point out this is all stuff I have done to myself.  Sure – I’ve had people suggest to cut things out.  Oh, that sounds so easy.  What do I cut out?  Do I not make cookies for the funeral?  Do I not feed the missionaries that I signed up to feed two months ago? Do I not go to work?   Do I not take my kids places and offer them things like war reenactments so that I can clean the pantry? Do we let the free tickets to Darien Lake expire so I can clean the shower?  Do I not throw my friend a baby shower?

I am not complaining.  I am not looking for answers.  I am just trying to be authentic. 

If you read this blog and smile, I am blessed.  We do have fun.  We love each other.  We get to do really cool things.

But I am NOT amazing.  There is a price being paid.