Isaiah 55:8 (NKJV)
“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
Psalm 34:18 (NIV)
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
miscarriage
How am I doing?
I’m sad and I’m happy. It is strange to feel both.
24 days
Or perhaps, “He gives and takes away.”
I have to tell you, I was 51% thinking it was miscarriage again, and 49% sure it was twins.
The first few minutes in the waiting room my heart was pounding, etc. And then God gave me the KINDEST ultrasound tech, Yoom. She was so merciful as she immediately showed me living baby. Then a few minutes later she said, “Two? How’s two?” and I just gasped, “Praise God,” “Oh, Thank you, Jesus.” There was no shock. None at all. Just a gift revealed. God had been preparing my heart for it. When I was left alone, I just got on my knees and thanked Him.
For the last 24 days I’d been thinking up pairs of names.
I’d been reading online about just how big I am going to get.
I had totally accepted that my preference for au natural birthing would take a back seat.
I planned how we’d rearrange rooms, how we’d need another stroller, how we’d manage with two high chairs.
I REJOICED.I felt special. I thought something like, “Yes, God knew how much our other losses were going to hurt us, be He also knew that He had this special birth planned for our family.” I felt chosen for something cool.
I caught myself giggling out of place at times. Delighted by my secrets. TWO babies. God was giving us TWO. Oh the miracle!
My appetite has been tremendous. My exhaustion, daunting. My joy… off the chart.
I turned my attention to Stewart and asked him. He said, “I just don’t want to get my hopes up.” Oh, son. I do understand that feeling.
I turned to Nigel and asked what he thought. He beamed, “I’m happy.”
I asked, “Do you want to be doubly happy?”
At that point my mom, who was having dinner with us, jumped from her seat and said, “Twins? Twins?! I dreamt you were having twins. Oh, Stacy.” More joy.
I don’t understand why God prepared my heart for twins and then took one away.
Satan wants me to think things now…. ugly lies. “You really thought God would give you two, you fool? He’s probably going to take the other one, too, you know.” “If you hadn’t drank so much soda, your baby would be alive, still.” “If you hadn’t stopped going to acupuncture, your baby would still be growing.” “If you weren’t so busy, you wouldn’t have killed your baby.”
But it was gooder news for 24 days.
Thanks.
Due Date–6/23
Sigh
I didn’t point out to them it took six months to find a possible date.
God is in the details, though. He picked a great date for it to work out.
For three weeks I have longed to share the story about the passing of a woman I loved a great deal. D passed away on 6/3. I am still so hopeful that I can share that one of these days when I get a minute to blog it properly. But here is something so cool. One of D’s daughters was expecting her first baby this month. I found out Sunday morning that she had her baby, a son, on 6/23. That makes my heart sing. God saw fit to bless their awesome family on the same day that I was seeing an empty heart on my calendar.
God is cool.
Bugaboo Blessings
day’s mail. There was a plain envelope addressed to me with a business address in NYC for the return. Inside this envelope was a gift card for Bugaboo Creek Steak House and a note addressed “The Butler Family” and with the message, “Thinking of You.” The line indicating who it was from was empty.
I will never know if they’d heard about the pending miscarriage through one of the very few people I’d told. It doesn’t really matter, though. I know we are loved. And the kids saw Jesus through their gift. Thank you.
Today
Another good-bye…
•On March 7th we learned via ultrasound that while the baby had a fetal pole and a sac his or her heart was not yet beating on its own.
•On March 15th we learned that the baby only grew a tad in 8 days and still their heart does not beat on its own.
He or she is alive via Mama. And now we wait.
I am a little nervous in how the details are going to end. Having just done this in October/November I am not looking forward to the process.
I also am not looking forward to seeing TWO not-to-be due-dates creep toward me on the calendar.
“Because I love you!”
I hope He was watching and enjoyed the flurry of activity He caused.
The FedEx man knocked on the door prompting many feet to go inspect. As he was walking away my mind was racing, “What have I ordered? Did John order something?”
Some of the kids were really eager to get to the bottom of the mystery. Not Tabitha. “Maybe Jesus really did send them, right? He could do that, right?”
Luke 12:26-28 And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things? “Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
Still Sad
The sadness is odd. It is not all encompassing. It doesn’t direct my days. It doesn’t linger or paralyze.
It is more of a surprise. It comes at strange times and in unusual places.
On Black Friday Nigel, Tabitha, and I were at Kmart. While they were both in the cart [yes, they were!] I was tooling around just exploring.
We passed by a little basket lined with white fabric and embroidered with little airplanes. I’ve never purchased or longed for anything like it. I instantly thought, “That would be sweet in a boy’s nursery.” That thought was immediately replaced with, “I might have had a son!”
The tears swelled in my eyes and my breathing became ragged. My legs wavered some as a wave of grief passed through.
My coat cuff wiped away the tears. A few deep breaths restored my breathing. The cart steadied my legs. We made a left turn at steam cleaners and by the time we got to shoes I let myself be carried by the One I trust. Yoked with our great Redeemer every burden is lighter. He is faithful and true. He will never leave me or forsake me. His timing is perfect.
And His ways are not our ways.
And I am still sad.