I’ve been asked a number of times this last week how I am doing. I very much appreciate that people who love and care for me are checking in on me and finding out how to pray best. Thank you.
I’m sad and I’m happy. It is strange to feel both.
The first three days I think I was in a bubble of shock. I never expected to find out that one of our twins had died. I never even entertained the thought such a loss might happen. The bubble burst sometime Sunday as I was preparing for the Baby Sprinkle I was throwing yesterday. Assembling favors, writing out bingo cards, and organizing baby accoutrements was a bit too much for my grieving self. As a dear friend reminded me of miracles and shared that looking at her newborn son gave witness to God’s mercies I panicked and wondered if I would ever hold a new baby of my own again. Or will I need to wait until it is my time to be a grandmother before I know that joy once more. It scared me.
I’m still a little scared.
There is a little baby still growing. My friend lent me her Doppler and I was able to hear Ducky’s fetal heart rate. It isn’t easy to find, him/her being so small still. But it registers loud and clear and in the 155-165 range when I do find it. (Yes, I know, must be a girl.) But a strong heart beat at almost 12 weeks doesn’t guarantee happily ever after. Nothing does.
It’s.Been.A.Hard.Year.
I’ve been to a LOT of funerals this year. We’ve lost three babies. I’ve prayed for a lot (and I mean a lot) of people suffering loss. There has been a lot of cancer. My kids are asking hard questions about grief and we are all growing. We are seeking refuge together. I am rereading and rereading a LOT of Psalms.
Last week a brave sister-in-Christ went to Heaven after battling a brain tumor for 5 years. At church Sunday it suddenly dawned on me that there IS going to be lots and lots of loss around me the rest of my life. It’s just going to be that way. I am getting older. And each year I know and love more people than the year before. As my circle grows, the risk of losing people, or hearing that people I love are hurting is going to grow and grow. The burden to pray is going to grow and grow. YES, it does give God a lot of arenas to display His glory, but I won’t always get to see it. I will just have to trust that He is working in the lives of the people I am praying for.
And He is working in my life as my friends pray for me and as people I will never meet pray for me.
How are His mercies evident in these Disciples lives? We get up each morning. We ask the LORD to help us live for Him that day. We pray that we have God-glorifying actions and words. We fall down. We get up. And we REVEL in the knowledge that this is not our home. There is more. There is something better. Those we’ve said goodbye to are in the presence of the KING of Kings. Walking faith-FULLY toward that prize we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and know that it is God’s grace alone that helps us perform the duties before us. For me, the mercy I am seeing these days comes in the form of functioning. I am functioning. I am getting us where we need to be, doing what we need to do, addressing what we need to address. That is a victory at this point.
Hopefully, we will see mercy in the form of a new baby boy or girl come February. But I can’t really think that far ahead. I am just in this for day to day. Today I am with child. And it makes me smile.
My kids keep hugging me and asking if Ducky is okay. They ask, “Is it okay if I hug you like this; will I hurt Ducky?” “Could it kill Ducky if you don’t get enough sleep?” “Will Ducky be sick because the other baby died?” “Does Ducky know about the other baby dying?” I trust God is using this to grow them in some way, shape, or form. I’m too close to the situation to see it. But I believe He is.
Thanks for asking.
Thanks for praying.
My prayer for today is the same as it has been the last four years. “LORD, help me to want what You want me to want.”
Dayspring Disciples 