There were no entries last week. We were too busy having fun. We flew from activity to activity and recorded them all on the camera and I will share them soon. But that isn’t what I woke up thinking about today. Today was due date number two. Last February 16th we learned of another Butler baby. Although the idea of a second miscarriage nagged greatly at my heart I worked hard not to give in to fear. And I wanted to celebrate the life we DID have with joy and thankful feelings. And I was excited for a few weeks.
And then, you know how the story goes… an ultrasound. A question of viability. A second ultrasound. A prognosis of loss. And through it all huge questions for God and huge battles with the Enemy and the doubts he wants us to succumb to.
Wednesday, March 7th my friend and I had taken our kids to Chuck E. Cheese as a reward day. We stayed well past lunch and I got home in time to meet the sitter who was going to watch the kids while I ran for the ultrasound. Our sweet baby was not quite the right size, and while his or her heart was beating, it was beating far to slow for the age we knew it was. The perinatologist was kind and honest. He suggested that this little one may not make it, but that we would look in one more week to see if the heart was just starting up.
On March 15th I headed back. And while the heart rate had increased a little it was no where near high enough for the age. I would miscarry. This extremely kind doctor gave me my Rhogam despite it not really being the role of an ultrasound office but saving me a return trip. Receiving compassion is just such an awesome feeling, isn’t it?
It is a pain that my very great doctor and very great perinatologist are so far from home. I joke that it is a long way to drive in labor, but really, it is an even longer way to drive home in grief.
About a week later it was all over. And then one night at work I found myself choking pack sobs as I had to erase all the weekly countdown from the calendar I keep in my work bag. I left the due date in the book. Not that I would forgot, but just to keep it a little bit real.
I read a really cool quote online a few weeks ago: “When a woman a child, she will do anything to protect him. When a woman has a miscarriage, she will do everything to protect his memory.”
Yup. That is how I feel anyway.
Isaiah 55:8 (NKJV)
“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
Psalm 34:18 (NIV)
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Dayspring Disciples 
I have never miscarried, but I believe that to be very true. Praying for you today.
I have never miscarried, but I believe that to be very true. Praying for you today.
Praying for you, and your little one! (((HUGS!)))
Praying for you, and your little one! (((HUGS!)))