Earlier this afternoon as I paused in the pantry door I was suddenly overwhelmed by the thought that people must be praying for me today. Plain and simple. Earlier this morning I was poised to fall apart. All the signs were there. Then next thing I know it is hours and hours later and I am thinking of others’ prayers.
Then, around 7 P.M., a friend from church called. She said she just meant to be brief, but she wanted me to know that she had been praying for me all day.
As much as I love it when I am right, I am even more delighted to have my name lifted to our Good God and for Him to hear their prayers. I don’t for a minute think she was alone. For as despondent I was this morning it was a lot of prayers that held me up. That’s how devoted God’s children are. [Although God would have heard the prayers of just one, I am certain.]
Tomorrow is another day. And the physical parts of the miscarriage, and the remaining grief are far from over. But I trust the Holy Spirit will lead others to pray for me in those moments when I just can not pray for myself.
The flowers? Gifts from a friend of 20 years. Dropped off, way out of her way, Friday afternoon. The card said they were to be planted in memory of our babies. Guess why she’s been a friend for 20 years. ♥
In January we ordered tickets for a performance of Ballet Magnificat’s “Deliver Us,” being performed in Bath, NY. Despite the overwhelming grief in our hearts we made the 60 mile trek south to the show. Wow. It was beautiful. I won’t pretend it wasn’t painfully hard to be there for something indulgent while my heart was breaking. There were moments of anguish. But juxtaposed against the beauty of the ballet and the joy in my kids’ eyes it at least allowed me to feel a full range of emotions in one evening.
I wish I could share all the photos.
It started with dinner.
And DESSERT. The whole meal was Stewart-safe which is a tremendous blessing in and of itself.
The performance started with five praise and worship songs. The tears streamed freely down my face throughout this portion. It was so beautiful.
We spent intermission outside in the 70-plus weather. We tried for a lousy picture [Hanny wasn’t there anyway – she slept over with Nanny.] And watched the kids try a few ballet moves of their own.
Then the Deliver Us/Moses story. The soundtrack from The Prince of Egypt, one of our favorite family movies, provided the storyline and music. It was OUTSTANDING. I do admit knowledge of the Dreamworks movie would help with following the story some. But it was clearly the story of Moses from the book of Exodus. The interpretations were fascinating. The burning bush was depicted by a woman dancing. The way they showed the plagues and back-and-forth of Pharaoh and Moses was remarkable. It was just awesome, really.
Then it morphed into THE Deliverer and depicted the sacrifice of Christ in much the same way our Passion Play will be.
We got to meet a few dancers and the headed home for a just-before-midnight-bedtime.
I wish I could have taken everyone I know. It was just that good. This is from You-Tube. Not as good a video as I would like to see… but it gives an idea.
Another Butler baby is on his or her way Home to our Maker’s loving arms before we had a chance to hold him or her ourselves.
I can’t say much because the thoughts bouncing around in my head are hard to put into order.
•On the morning of February 16th we learned we were having another baby. About an hour later we learned Pastor Jeff died. That will always be my marker. •On March 7th we learned via ultrasound that while the baby had a fetal pole and a sac his or her heart was not yet beating on its own. •On March 15th we learned that the baby only grew a tad in 8 days and still their heart does not beat on its own. He or she is alive via Mama. And now we wait.
I am so grateful for the prayers my friends are sending up to Jesus on my behalf.
I am a little nervous in how the details are going to end. Having just done this in October/November I am not looking forward to the process.
I also am not looking forward to seeing TWO not-to-be due-dates creep toward me on the calendar.
I really can’t begin to explain what I am feeling. The BIGGEST thing that makes me cry is Johanna not having a “buddy” close in age. The two boys are just over 22 months apart. Then almost exactly two years later came Marie. Then 21 months later came Tabitha. Two boys, two girls… and four years later – Hanny. No buddy for Hanny. I know God has plans for her. And since none of these losses surprise Him, I trust that He will bless her in other ways that don’t include a close-in-age sibling. But I am sad – VERY sad – she doesn’t have a buddy.
I know we Matthew 22:30 tells us – At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. so I wonder if in Heaven siblings will know one another as such. Like, when this baby gets to Heaven will someone introduce him or her to his brother or sister?
It doesn’t really matter, I guess. I know Revelation 21:3-5 tells us And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Now I’m rambling. And I said I couldn’t say much. HA!
As I was doing my Bible reading this morning I couldn’t help but be distracted by the moon God hung.
I slipped [literally] onto the icy deck to grab a few shots.
Then, as I was working in the kitchen to make breakfast and pack lunch for co-op, I suddenly noticed some kind of ANIMALS up in the big tree straight back from the window.
I called out to John and ran to get binoculars. We guessed it was a cat and a raccoon up in the tree, quarreling. Once I had the binoculars it proved to be two very large raccoons. The larger of the two teetered and tottered on very THIN branch.
They spent almost an hour sunning themselves out there as we took turns with the binoculars and went on to eat and continue to get ready for co-op.
WELL – that day, after all the craziness settled, Marie took Johanna outside to play. It was cold and I knew Marie would be riding her around in the motorized Power Wheels.
So I go Johanna ready with her hat, and mittens, and warm winter coat. I even found her a helmet to wear when they went into the jeep. And I promptly sent her outside to play.
Without any shoes.
Stewart said that he had seen she didn’t have any shoes. I asked him why he didn’t think to come and tell me. He had no answer.
Yeah we’ve all been lost and we’ve all been hurt Where our hope is thin and our faith don’t work But nothing lasts forever The only thing that matters Is God is still God and He holds it together
~Heather Williams
I pray this song blesses someone else as much as it blesses me.
There are no two ways about it, this is the time of year where we only have about 25% of our school work left to go and we have 20+ weeks to get it done in. That puts me in the position where I give myself PERMISSION to take days off.
So we took a day off and went to Chuck E. Cheese with some friends. We had a great time.
The kids all have such different spending personalities with how they go through, or don’t go through, their tokens.
Johanna had a lot of fun. It was the first time she has been able to play there. She was so little the last time we visited.
And I have to say the salad bar at Chuck E. Cheese’s is a mother’s delight. Wow. What a salad bar.
And Pepsi on tap. I think I made myself sick with so much Pepsi. ♥
“Daddy is fixing up the basement to be a fun place to play. I can help him by staying up here. That’s what he’s been telling my big sisters. He says, ‘Girls, you can help me the best by staying upstairs.’ So, I am helping Daddy, see?”
Dayspring Disciples 
